Below is really difficult to share but I realize that those of you who know me will laugh with me and those who don’t will get to know me. So here it goes. ;) :D
Do you remember a couple of months ago in Part 1 I mentioned that I’d tell you a journaling experience. I really struggled about putting this much of me out there for the world to see but if I can help one of you, it’s worth it (so they say LOL).
This is it.
I, like many writerly and in general, artsy sorts, have doubts. I doubt my skills, my passion, my characters, my stories. Fighting with Doubt, trying to dodge Doubt, is exhausting. The journaling class suggests having a dialog with something that blocks you. I chose to confront That Darn Doubt.
Ah, the awkward conversation with someone you’re angry with and/or don’t trust. It started on my part with forced courtesy. I viewed Doubt as my enemy: it was in my way. Doubt’s whole attitude was friendly, helpful, casual even. Seriously?! What was up with that? Doubt had some nerve being all buddy-buddy when it worked so hard at derailing me as a published author.
It turns out, I hadn’t given Doubt enough credit. I thought I was asking hard hitting questions, things that would make it curl up in the fetal position and begging for mercy. Instead, I think it really wondered why I was asking such easy questions.
Doubt had been making me think. It brought up questions about any idea, new or old and made me analyze. Doubt had been doing its job. Doubt was awesome. We hugged it out but I still had this block, so I asked Doubt what it thought the problem was. It asked me leading questions (I think it knew but felt I should work it out on my own). I got to thinking that Faith and Doubt counterbalance. Faith must be the one I needed to talk with.
I thanked Doubt, my partner in intelligent analysis and went wandering my head looking for Faith. I had words for her.
Me: “Hmm, I can’t find her anywhere.”
Doubt: “Did you check the back closet?”
Me: “What? Faith is front office stuff. Why would she be in the back closet?”
Doubt (shrugs with a wink to the camera): “No idea, maybe she’s organizing.”
Me (shake my head): “We don’t organize, but I’ll look anyway.” (Kicks the stuff that’s accumulated in front of the back closet and looks around) “I don’t see anythi- wait a minute. What’s this? (I pick up a small 5 inch cube box from the back left corner and open it) “WHAT?!”
My exclamation as a 5’6″ blond takes my proffered hand and blossoms out of this 5 in cube seems to amuse Doubt. (It’s doubled over guffawing.)
Faith (smiling warmly and still holding my hand): “Whew, thank you for letting me out of there. Nice to be back to work.”
Me: “What? Why? Huh?”
It turns out that I felt she had failed me – something to do with ridiculous expectations – and I had shoved the poor thing into this box as far out of my way as possible.
So now you see my weirdness. (Bet you find some weird stuff in your head too, by the way, so no judgement.)
Take about 15 minutes or so and have a little dialogue with your blocks and gremlins and see where it takes you. You might be surprised what you find.